A CHANCE IS A SMILE

(where I wrote this)

♫ Everybody Knows - John Legend

I've been taking chances to open up more... I remember my cousin "Flo" (who I miss sooo much) told me that I shouldn't be like her... Cooped up and keeping everything in... Feeling like nobody is paying attention or noticing that she could possibly be sad... I was always afraid to open up... Especially to new people... But time and time again I tend to always take that chance (mostly because of her)... Or make that mistake of just cracking the door a bit... I remember in October, the entry - Enjoying that split second... I never thought it would of been a lot more than that... I definitely got more than I bargained for... And I could appreciate that I could actually like someone for who they are (and not just miss the feeling of being with someone)... Yes, I do admit that I miss being in a relationship and all the AWESOME things that come with it... But I don't miss the fighting, the constant problems that could occur (not saying that I'll always have problems in my relationships)... And not to mention that feeling of being left in the dark... But really just love that company where I can genuinely chill but at the same time feel loved and to love... Regardless... I am capable to filling that missing void of being held and feeling some kind of affection... But I feel like it's a bit different if you just want it from just ONE person (regard the fact that I only see one person at a time)... I could of just said I am done and just find someone else (to fill that void up and keep me occupied)... I have no official obligations... There isn't a title or a standard but I guess there is an understanding (and I am pretty sure I made it clear by telling him - sort of... I think)... If you were to ask me why I feel the way I do... I wouldn't be able to put the words together... except say that I feel like what is portrayed through this picture (from years ago)... And that's a feeling I haven't had in a really long time... I know I may not be great at expressing how I feel verbally or even physically sometimes... If I didn't care.... I wouldn't even bother putting myself through the emotions I do... Like I said... I can't lie for my life but I could definitely put up a great front (unless I am drunk - then all hell breaks lose)... I never believed in telling people what they want to hear... I'm blunt (sometimes too blunt) when I want to be and when I am able to (like I said.. I wouldn't know what words use)... Especially when I am trying to get a point across... Yes my ego and pride holds me back from admitting a lot... But I assure you and anyone.. That if you were to ask me a question, I'll tell you how it is... And what is going through this head of mine...

They say that a photo is worth a million words... But one things I can guarantee is they NEVER lie... Smiles change... Whether you notice it or not... They really do... But a smile is a smile... It portrays an emotion... Probably would be able to tell how that person was feeling and what possibly could of went through their mind... What I can tell you from that photograph above... I was just happy as hell (I can't remember the reason why)... But I was... I remember I was free spirited and nothing really bothered me... Well maybe a few things but it wasn't anything I could do about it...

So when I was asked why them... I guess that will be another entry... When I'm ready...

UNEXPECTED FALL SiTUATiON

(just like a trail and a tunnel.. you don't know where they lead)

♫ Notebook - Chrisette Michele

The fall time... The time when leaves turn and eventually drift... The temperature drops a bit to force us to wear a hoodie or a light jacket... And everything just seems to be just... CHILL... Now the fall time seems to be the cause of my jumble my state of mind... I guess the cool weather just sort of makes me think about things.. Or reflect for that matter... But this fall just seems a bit different than usual... I feel a bit busier (in terms of work and other extra activities going on) than I have been in the past... But other than that it's been pretty chill and mellow (maybe because I actually have a bit more time in my hands than usual)... Plus I've been concentrating on the things that matter to me more than other things...

The thing that has been said to me and dawning me lately is, "Expect the unexpected and expect nothing because no one owes you anything" - Casey... And that has been rammed into my head for a while... I tend to forget that I do have friends who I love dearly and always could rely on to get my mind off of things like this (or remind me for this matter)... Or at least keep me grounded and centered... Sometimes I tend to lose myself in the fall because during the summer I am usually out and about, and having fun! Seems typical, no?

But back to the quote... It's not the first time I heard the idea... I've had it happened to me.. Where I didn't expect shit... and then BAM it's right there in my face... And when that happens... I can't expect anything from it because they never owed me anything in the first place (does this make sense at all?)... I am trying my best to explain this... but I am having a hard time myself to piece everything clearly... I think I need to stop expecting things out of people because I feel like I did something for them (with out asking), and therefore I feel like they owe me... It's weird... I've been pretty good at just letting things go and hope that the (bitchy) karma will do it's job... But since when do people always have to owe another individual anything? Especially since there is no binds, titles, or anything to keep them together (officially that is)... People should just do things or feel the way they want to feel because they want to... Not because they feel like they should... The older I get, the more complicated things seem to be... Even when things should just be simple...

Point is... I didn't expect to like him... But I do... And if you think about it.. Just because I like him.. Doesn't mean he owes me anything (he doesn't have to be with me... he doesn't have to feel the same way... etc..)... Just because I feel a certain way shouldn't force another individual to change their schedules, habits, goals (or stand in their way in getting to that point), or change them for that matter... And sometimes people just don't feel the same way as others feel... It's the way things are... And I've tried my best to make sure that I haven't change anything about anyone because I liked them for who they are (captain obvious moment)... I love spending time with them.. And I love their company... So in my case... Now that I am in this "situation" of feeling a way I didn't expect to feel... I could only expect the good... the bad... and the worst... And in that order (only to keep things real realistic... don't mistaken that for me being pessimistic)... No one is at fault for anything... Timing just either really sucks... Or it just wasn't suppose to happen (whether you believe in faith or not)... Just have to take the great (or awesome), the good, and the bad out of everything... Live in the moment and plan to get closer to your goals... Even when feelings get in the way...

I've fought this "lonely" feeling for a while... Maybe not so much lonely... But more abandonment than anything else... I guess it takes you to know my past and what I went through to really understand what I feel and where I am coming from... BUT! I do have the tendency of pushing people away because I am so used to just dealing with things on my own (I'm stubborn and very independent... Not to mentioned strong-willed at that too)... I may always feel that I have terrible timing or I'll just deal with whatever because I'm "used to it", which is very true... But the feelings are there and I'll either get over it (the way I usually do)... Or it'll just pass over on it's own time... "It's just that simple"...

Thinking about it... I feel like over the last year... I've definitely grown... Because I remember how I was last fall... What was going on... What I was thinking and everything else in between... At least this year I can say that I'm just better off than the previous years.. But at this point all I can do is expect the unexpected and always have the mindset that nothing/nobody owes me... And when I am passed that point... Then I just have to expect everything and take it for what it is... Then I can honestly say I'll be alright...

AHHHHHHH

(this is how I feel)

♫ Leave Me Alone - Michael Jackson

I need to get out of my head! It's driving me nuts... And the person who I usually talk to, needs their time and yeah... AHHH...

just need to be patient... and remember everything they told me... that's all I can do...